FOCUS

Hello, everyone. I've been away for a bit, but now I'm back! Those of you at my feet, you may now resume grovelling.
As for the rest of you, I'm announcing a slight shift in content. I've been testing out this blog structure, and it's been working well, so I think I'll do more personal entries, when I have things to say. I don't know how often I'll do them, because they're hard to write: I can't be too honest on the internet. (I know how you people do!) Sometimes, though, I have a lot on my mind. This is one of those times.

As I type these words, it is 5:38am December 8th. I finished my last paper an hour ago. Tomorrow is just a review day, but review days are handy. I'd be in bed now, but there's no point: I took a shot of one of those bottled energy products around 2, and I know I won't be able to sleep for another hour even if I try.

You know what, though? I don't feel too bad. I had 4 assignments due today--or rather, yesterday afternoon. Together, they were worth 85% of my mark across the classes. And despite a slightly-questionable work ethic, it's all done, and all on time. (that paper I just finished? You can hand it in at the English office until 8am the next morning, so it's not late yet.)

Two weeks ago, I realized that I'd been working way too hard at my assignments. I'd spend hours and hours cooped up in this concrete cell I call my room, looking at all the things I could say in a paper. I would triumphantly hand it in...and get a 69. A 69's not bad. But it's bad for me. And for those of you of a certain mindset grinning and saying "getting a 69's always good!"...it's not true when you get one from a stuffy professor.

Back in high school, I was a champ. I'd get all kinds of 8's and 9's. I was happy, and I'd shake my head at how the mysterious 10/10 remained elusive. But I didn't write papers to get 10's--I wrote them for fun. If I could infuse any assignment with creativity and fun, I'd do it; the marks came because I'd be one of 4 people in the class who actually tried to do the assignment.

What I didn't realize is that I did write papers to get 8's and 9's. I'd be a little upset with a 75 paper, and 6's didn't really happen. I worked hard at school because everything I did there represented me, and I always wanted to be represented well. I deserve those marks, I'd start to think. I'm a smart guy. I work hard. My assignments are unique--if that matters. The assignments were mostly fun and short, like a Mexican. Times were good.

At university, the 8-grade paper is unattainable. "In order to do well on your assignments, you have to be slightly Jesus", I'd joke to my friends. I said that to just about everyone who asked: I wanted it to be true. I wanted to know that doing really well at university required divine inspiration. Because if Aaron isn't the kind of guy who can represent himself well, who fails to be excellent, maybe it's because...he's not that excellent after all. (A little unfair, no?)

That was only the start, though. University--mine, anyway--is not set up to be a creative institution. You don't do powerpoint presentations; you hand in essays. You don't get graded on the pictures you'd draw in Religion class so that you could divide the "Hinduism" section from the "Judaism" section. (I can't believe they marked those!) The new thing I'm saying to just about everyone who asks is "They want you to hand in the same assignment as everyone else; they just want yours to be slightly better."

So, I wasn't getting satisfactory marks anymore. What did I do? I worked harder. A foolish mistake, I admit; I remember learning a few times that sometimes harder work simply did not pay off. I have a friend, for example, who routinely schools me at Super Smash Brothers. When he'd beat me in a game, I'd put more thought into my play style, and I try to get back at him. It worked reasonably well with other players, but this one friend knew the score, and I was disheartened to find that I'd be defeated just the same, extra concentration or not. Once or twice I got somewhat irate during a game because of this: I was working harder. Where were the results? These days, I just accept that this friend will regularly take me to school when I play against him. (He says I still attack his character a little too much, though. You know who you are.)

I guess I forgot that message somewhere along the line. It didn't help that I took this concept about Uni. to heart: "get what you came for: an education". School comes first, right? I'm paying trucks full of boatloads of cash to be here, and it's interesting stuff, so when I'm out at my job, I ought to know my stuff, as well as having some fun while I'm here.

But I just couldn't do it. I have yet to uncover the secret to an exceptional paper--is there one? I'd work longer and harder on my assignments, all for naught. Weekends would come and go, picked clean by the awesome force that was a Political Science paper. Oh sure, I'd go out, but sometimes it would be for the explicit purpose of taking a break.

I realized I was doing this 2 weeks ago--I simply never questioned time spent on assignments. All that stuff I said I'd do at the start of the year, but eventually couldn't find time for? Schoolwork. Did I just spend the majority of 3 days working on an assignment worth only 15% of my mark? Yes, I did. Schoolwork. (I try to remind myself that that's a small number these days.) Weren't these assignments taking longer to do because they stressed me out? Fo' sho'. Schoolwork.

It was too late, though. That was the same week I came to understand that I had 4 papers due on the last day of class--yesterday. I still have an exam to do tomorrow, and I have another exam 2 days after that.

What do I do?!, I thought. do I calm down, like I must, or do I machine out this last little bit of work, then relax on the holidays? It's a testament to the importance of these assignments that I chose a hybrid of the two, rather than following my own advice.

I worked every day last week on the assignment, and every day this week. I worked at every available minute, but I planned some R&R, too. I actually went home for half of last week to see family and friends--but not for too long. I worked really hard on my assignments, but it wasn't so stressful, as I'm starting to get that maybe--just maybe--Aaron's ability to write a 9/10 paper does not reflect his own greatness as a person. Imagine that. (Also, there was no way I was getting a 10 in English: I didn't finish any of the assigned books >_>)

I can't speak for the two exams this week, but my strategy *kinda* worked. I had a whole bunch of assignments due, but unlike days where I had just 1 or 2 assignments in the past, I handled it rather calmly. Because I didn't obsess about the work though, I missed out on something that might have helped: I'd planned the assignments so that the two biggest ones would get started and finished last.

So I feel fine, but it's 6:18 now. I'm going to catch a few Z's, maybe publish this in the real morning.

--Aaron